April 29th 2025 was a day I found both very humiliating and also very fruitful.
During the summer, as well as my work, I love to play lawn bowls and croquet at the local North London sports club where I am a member.
In 2024, I was club singles croquet champion, so I am one of the better players at my club
Two weeks ago, I had volunteered to be part of our team to play croquet against a team from Essex – four of us against four of them. I was looking forward to it and expected to win a few games.
I played five games, one doubles, and four singles.
And I didn’t win a single game.
By the end of the afternoon I felt pretty fed up. We ended up losing seven games to eleven. I felt guilty that I had let my colleagues and my club down. If I had only won one or two games, it would have changed the result
I walked home with a stinging sense of shame and humiliation which lasted for the rest of the evening
I was obviously fooling myself, I wasn’t as good as I thought I was
That evening, I was no longer the 67 year old successful man I am, I was the seven-year-old boy who often so ashamed and felt like I was just a useless loser. I never wanted to pick up a croquet mallet again so I would not have to experience that again!
The day after, the stinging was less, and I reflected and it began to dawn on me
All capability is relative. Until that match, I had been in my familiarity zone. Quite simply, I had never played against people that good before and they were simply better players. They weren’t trying to make me feel bad.
It didn’t mean that I couldn’t improve and get better, in fact the experience showed me precisely where I could improve if wanted to.
I am very blessed to have an Olympian, Steve Rowbotham, on hand to speak to about these things!
The week after, I met with Steve and at one point shared my experience with him, and asked him how he dealt with constantly faced with rowers who were better than him, and how that shaped his own eleven-year rise to the pinnacle of his sport
Steve’s perspective was not unsurprisingly, a lot more positive, “Every time I didn’t win,” he said, “It just showed me where and how I needed to improve. It was sometimes painful, but it was always useful information. I simply got used to being vulnerable over and again.”
I have no aspiration to be a world class croquet player. I simply enjoy playing to the best of my ability.
So I have been able to find some “Well done me’s” in there. Well done me for even putting myself into that situation, and well done me for being willing to experience the discomfort and utilise it to learn and grow.
I did pick up the mallet again a week later, and played against a colleague at my own club and won comfortably.
It is bonkers to think I am going to win every time.
I am someone who says he likes to utilise all my experiences to grow. This sounds great in theory but in practice it sometimes means comforting the seven-year-old in me and allowing his stinging tears of humiliation
Sometimes growth is easy and graceful, sometimes, even for a few seconds or moments, growth can feel like an ordeal. My seven year of lived in fear of being shamed, so I would close down to try and avoid it. Today, I see the presence of shame as an opportunity to open up again by feeling the old shame, bringing love and compassion to that shamed part of me, and then moving past it, and opening up instead.
My own fear of shame and humiliation has stopped me doing many things in my life, and at times threatened to stop me bringing my own Signature Leadership Work into the world.
Do you feel vulnerable about bringing your best work out into the world?
Your willingness to make yourself temporarily vulnerable might just be your superpower
If I can help, please drop me a line at nick@iamnickwilliams.com and we’ll speak
